Step 2 of 3 – does that make this a 2 step?

Well, I really should be sleeping, but I think I will spend a good deal of time resting tomorrow and since I don’t want to take my computer to the hospital to disappear with all the missing glasses and dentures and I also haven’ t taken the time to figure out how to update from my phone, I thought I’d do a quick post tonight so you all (or y’all for my Tennessee and Oklahoma friends) know what’s going on.

You may recall from the start of this blog that the plan to treat my cancer has 3 parts – chemo, surgery, and radiation. Well tomorrow is step 2 of 3. When I was talking to Ellie about this she said, ‘ yay, that means you are half way done.’ Erm, not really – gotta work some more on our fractions –

I don’t actually feel very nervous or worried at the moment, perhaps I will when Matt literally drops me off at the hospital, but so far I am feeling calm. I was reflecting a bit on that this week. Someone asked me if I was worried and I thought it was odd, but I wasn’t. I started thinking about this whole process so far and, other than the day I found the lump and the time leading up to an actual diagnosis, I haven’t really been anxious. I truly knew it was breast cancer from day one. I don’t exactly know how to explain it, but I have had a feeling of peace all along the way. I have been well looked after and God has strengthened my faith as well. It is difficult to explain, but it isn’t faith in a good outcome, but faith that I will be held and loved, no matter the outcome. I don’t know if this cancer is one that will be ‘beaten’ or not. I have learned being a part of different groups, that cancer will affect my life going forward, regardless of the outcome. In a sense there is not a ‘getting over it’, but more of a living with it. If that is what lies ahead, I have examples of those who have done that in my mother, friends old and new and even some friends that I had no idea that had been through breast cancer treatment. I have no indication that my treatment will not be successful, but even if it were not to be, I have had the precious example of my dear friend Clare who lived her life with cancer graciously to the end. You see, more and more, I am becoming convinced that the ‘end’ is not what is important, it is the living in the moment, the relationships along the way.

It may seem a small thing, but we currently have rented a hot tub since we have be isolating for my surgery. I am pretty sure I wouldn’t have thought to do this if I was living/working as usual. I have so appreciated the messages of love, thoughts, prayers, and encouragement and the time people have taken to let me know I am loved and you are thinking of me. This chapter in my life has been about slowing down and trying to make the most of what IS, not worrying about what MIGHT BE. So, today, I set up a tent in the back garden and have a table set up in it for table tennis, because – WHY NOT??? I am sure my kids think I am off my rocker setting up a tent in the middle of winter, but they helped me do it anyway. I was always the one who did what was expected of me and didn’t push the boundaries. I will admit, it is still foreign to me to venture very far outside of my box, but I am learning to enjoy the ‘freedom’ having cancer has brought me –

So, put up your tent or rent your hot tub, or whatever it is that you would never think to do. Seize every moment- I am not sure what my tomorrow will look like, but I am ready to plunge into it and see what is in store. Please keep me and my family in your thoughts and prayers and I will update you on how it all went as soon as I am able – I will have loads of time since I won’t be able to spend any more time in the hot tub 😂.