Radioactive, radioactive –

Hello, from not so sunny Glasgow! There have been a few twists and turns since my last update. The plan has generally stayed the same, but the location has been elusive. It initially seemed as though I would be treated in Edinburgh. Though still inconvenient, this would have made treatment back and forth each day possible. But as it turned out, the first opening for treatment came up in Glasgow. So here I am. The plan is for daily treatments, Monday through Friday, for three weeks and then 4 treatments that are a bit more targeted.

In order to plan my treatment, I had some scans and my first ever tattoos! Now, if I were choosing a tattoo, it would be a bit more exciting than three tiny dots, but as they are free of charge, I suppose I can’t complain. These marks are used to position me for each treatment to make sure they are zapping the exact tissue that needs it. The areas being treated are where the original tumor was as well as all the lymph nodes associated with that area. So as I write you, I have completed my first 4 treatments.

EnCANto

So, are any of the rest of you living out Encanto or is it just in our house? We have all claimed our favorite songs or characters, who we relate to most and who we find most annoying. These songs and the story have so many layers. We have had some quite in depth conversations in our home that have stemmed from either points in the story or something emphasized in one of the songs. It is fun hearing my children’s opinions and what they are thinking during these discussions. In general, I think most mothers will relate to Luisa and her song ‘Surface Pressure’. The pressure really is a drip drip drip that tip tip tips. It is striking how she feels so alone in carrying IT ALL. It is so easy to feel this way – like the literal weight of the world is bearing down and everything will fall apart if we don’t stay strong. That being said, the lyric that resonates with me the most is in Isabella’s song ‘What Else Can I Do?’. It is actually somewhat of a secondary lyric. Mirabel is singing ‘It just seems like your life’s been a dream since the moment you opened your eyes.’ Isabella then sings ‘How far do these roots go down?’. That just stops me in my tracks every time. I don’t know specifically what that line is meant to invoke, but putting these two ideas together makes me question how deeply rooted this idea of having to stay strong and carry the load is. In Isabella’s case, she is likely singing about the expectation of perfection and even who decides what is perfect – now that topic could take a whole post of its own, am I right? These ideas of ‘strength’ and ‘perfection’ that we measure ourselves by are dangerous and in fact we are often the only ones expecting we live up to them. Cancer really has a way of taking you down a notch or two. What happens when you were the one that just kept going, no matter how tired you were and now you find just basic activities fatiguing? Or when you are used to being intellectually sharp and a problem solver and then find yourself struggling with making very basic decisions? Or when you had perfect hair and physique and then find yourself balding and out of shape? – hehe in my case this one may be stretching the ‘before’ description a bit far. These deeply rooted expectations have GOT TO GO! I am not loved or valued based on ANY of this. The truth is that no matter what I or others see as my strength, that is not what defines me. That thing may be taken away from me tomorrow and then what am I left with? I find such encouragement knowing that I am known best by the one who created me – faults and all- and I am loved unconditionally. While speaking of a great difficulty he was facing, one of Jesus followers shared that it was in this weakness that God’s power was made perfect (2 Corinthians 12). It is not by any strength or talent I may have that God’s power is manifested, but in my weakness. Now that is a hard one to grasp for sure and I can’t really say that I know how that all works. But, what I DO know is that even in the lowest valleys of life, no ESPECIALLY in the lowest valleys, God’s grace and strength is most obvious.

There have been some ‘hair’ goings on at our house again. That hair is growing back and I enlisted Emma to help me give it a bit of color. It didn’t take that well, but still had fun trying it out. While I am encouraging my little bit of hair along, Ellie and Elspeth were ready to get rid of some of theirs. Ellie wanted to donate hers to the Little Princess Trust to be used in making a wig.

I definitely have a long way to go, but maybe you can work with me to dig out those deep roots of expectation. Looking to the future (by the way, there is not really such a thing as ‘post cancer’ or ‘after cancer’, but living in the light of it constantly) I am not discouraged, but instead feel a sense of freedom from expectation and am ready to see, ‘What Else Can I Do’? (yep, I am gonna leave all of you proper grammar types with that ending 😝).