White Blood Cells and Bloody Noses

Holiday?

Well, last Friday should have been treatment 5 of 12 for PC. The astute among you will have caught the ‘should have been’ in that sentence. Since my first set of pre-chemo bloods, they have been a somewhat routine and monotonous exercise that just had to be done before receiving chemo. Somewhat like a door to open to get in that when you turn the knob, you always found to be unlocked. That is until Thursday. I will admit to becoming a bit complacent with the routine. I had spent the past 4 months hesitant to plan anything. I didn’t want to book anything, even for a couple of days as ‘you never know’ if things would continue to go to plan. But, with the idea of having my parents here and my children off school for their half-term holiday, I went out on a limb and planned a days ‘away’. I say ‘away’ in that having to present to the hospital every Thursday and Friday keep me on a pretty short tether. We were planning to leave from chemo on Friday and travel north for a weekend in Johnshaven, close to where mom and dad met (Edzell) and where we lived for a time (Inverbervie) – back before I can remember, but have now been hundreds of times in stories, slide shows, and in the flesh. Well, Thursday afternoon, the nurses in the chemo unit called to tell me that my white blood cells were 0.1 too low to go ahead with chemo on Friday. Now, I had been quite fatigued during the week, but well otherwise so I found this a bit surprising, then frustrating, but then I chose to see it as liberating. Although I am still not certain if this means everything will be pushed back a week or if I will just be missing out a week, it was nice to feel a bit less tired, and able to enjoy our weekend. So I have had a chemo ‘holiday’ as well. Tomorrow is bloods day again and though I am hoping all is well to go ahead, I realize that means I will likely feel more tired for our next outing to Anstruther.

We actually only live a 30 min drive from Anstruther so initially it seemed a bit silly to go there for a holiday (I am just realizing that I am typing in my British accent here – for those following me from ‘stateside’, please insert the word vacation for holiday). Anstruther is a see side fishing village that we have generally gone for a max of a few hours, but in terms of a place to rest, relax, and just have some fun together it will be perfect with the bonus of not being too far from the hospital for a run in on Friday morning (again, making the assumption that those pesky WBCs will have made it back to an acceptable level).

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Now on to more blood – the red variety –

Since starting the weekly treatments, I have the unwelcome issue of at least daily nose bleeds. I suppose it is one of the blessings of having to have a break from chemo that this has stopped. Additionally, the last two cycles of chemo had resulted in a fever during the night that resolved by late the next morning, but meant a sleepless night. No Friday chemo meant no fever and sleepless night. Here’s to silver linings, right? I was glad to not be feeling the effects of a recent chemo infusion and feel up to enjoying time away. My sister, Angela will often comment on her ‘soul’ being here in Scotland. It is in places like this (Johnshaven, Inverbervie, Dunnottar) that I most feel what she is talking about. In fact, I couldn’t resist sending her a pic of Dunnottar captioned ‘saw your soul today’. Here are a few more pics to show some of my happy places.

The place it all began –

On our way home, we traveled through Edzell and were determined to get some photos. Although it is no longer a military base, the guard shack where Dad first saw Mom is still there. I can sometimes wax a bit philosophical and think about all the details that must fall into place for certain things to happen. I suppose I get this from my Dad. He has written down a good deal about all the pieces that had to fall into place to bring us all the where we are now. It is too lengthy to mention them all in this post as I believe at present it is taking the form of a novel. However, I will mention it involves my Grandad’s service at Shipdham during WWII and a photo of him taken at Edinburgh castle while on leave (kilt and all), dad’s decision to enlist in the Navy, choosing the only MOS that would place him in Scotland, and my mom accepting the invitation of a friend to travel from Dundee to Edzell that fateful night. So many ‘what ifs’ in the story that could have sent it on a much different trajectory. I know some that are reading this will see these events and choices as random or perhaps even put them down to ‘fate’, but I can clearly see the hand of God guiding and directing all along the way.

So what then about cancer? Where is God’s guiding hand in that? It may sound absolutely absurd, but I can say that I have never felt more at peace or encouraged than in this current chapter of my own novel. I know this may be hard to understand, and is actually somewhat difficult to explain, but I am encouraged to know that God has a plan in this. There is so much more to me than this physical body that has so much imperfection. Sometimes, it is necessary to take away a bit of the overconfidence that is placed in ‘good’ health to clearly see the things that are so much more important than the tangible, monetary, and temporary. My prayer through this and hopefully going forward is to take time to invest in what will last.