Hello? Anyone still here?

Well, I am back. Apologies for leaving you hanging. I am fine. We are all fine. I suppose the best way to explain that lapse is L.I.F.E. Even with all of it’s drama, busyness, and inconsistencies, it is still great to be alive – am I right?

LIFE

Since I last posted, I have had 2 more rounds of chemo, developed phlebitis/cellulitis/cording, and managed a mini trip to Glasgow for a few days. The kids have had Basketball camp, hockey camp, wild outdoors camp, Jungle Bible club, birthdays, birthday parties, completed nursery (preschool), said ‘goodbye’ to amazing friends, said ‘welcome back’ to others. Had a few ‘last meetings’ before school starts and one ‘first meeting’ before school starts. All four of the kids that are here in the UK are now back to school – whew – with Elspeth starting P1 in our village school. It has been a whirlwind to say the least! All this as well in the midst of rising numbers of COVID hospitalizations – we’ve had 2 teenagers get their first dose of vaccine and Ellie, Ezra and Elijah start twice weekly COVID testing with their classmates in preparation for return to school. Our lives and indeed those of you all are a whirlwind!

On one hand, but on the other hand, and then on the other hand . . . Just how many hands are there???

I can tell you that when you have cancer everyone has advice. You can ask 3 people and get 4 different opinions – well actually, the thing is you don’t even have to ask –

-this is the time to think of yourself, put yourself first, etc until it isn’t

-you need to relax, but exercise;

-eat well, but not overeat;

-eat healthy, but eat what you feel like eating;

-take it easy, but keep connected with everyone and make sure they are all up to date on all that is going on;

-be careful of chemicals and toxins – ummm okay, what about the ones that are killing my cancer???

Please don’t think I am pointing any proverbial fingers in any particular direction, but I spent a bit of time letting that bit of the journey (I actually sort of hate using this word) steal my joy. I can tell you, it is totally NOT worth it. I have enjoyed sharing with you all and find perspective in putting my thoughts down ‘on paper’. So, since there has been such an absence, I thought I would do a couple of catch up posts. Fasten your seatbelts!

Chemo Uniform?

I know there are those of you out there who have been dying to know if I have kept up with my chemo ‘uniform’.

Well, there were a few complications after my second round of chemo – first thought to be a phlebitis from one of my scans that turned into cellulitis, but I now know is a side effect of one of my chemotherapy medications – Epirubicin. Even though the nurses watch my veins like a hawk when it is infusing, there is potential to damage veins in a way that develops more subtly and over a longer time. This is called cording or veinous sclerosis. When I posted that the last cycle was a doozy, it was partly the issues with my arm that were causing the problem.

Also, I went on a search for something that didn’t smell ‘horrible’. Any of you who follow me on FB, may remember my call out for things to mask the horrible smell that now goes with EVERYTHING even and especially coffee (I know, this is tragic). The update is that there doesn’t seem to be a way to help that particular issue – at least not that I have found – yet.

So what does this have to do with my ‘chemo’ uniform? Well, if clothes can have a ‘smell’ just by looking at them or can cause you to feel physically uncomfortable by just existing this is unfortunately how I currently feel about my lovely yellow cardy and my striped top. I am actually wearing the top today – trying to break this funny psychological hold that my previously loved color of mustard yellow currently holds over me. Hah! Even typing mustard yellow smells bad – HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE????

So this is me for round 3 –

For round 4, I think I looked pretty great rocking a kelly green cardiden (as Elspeth calls them). No pics of that one as the unit was pretty busy that day and one particular lady was quite anxious which manifested as being extremely chatty. I though she would think me rude to interrupt her to snap a selfie ;).

Speaking of toxins –

I have thought many times of getting back to this chronicle, but have had various thoughts that have kept me from it. All of them have to do with worrying too much about what people may think in some form or fashion. There are the thoughts of relating really any struggle and then realizing that although the color yellow now has an odor to me, there are those who’s cancer treatment meant they were constantly vomiting or their mouths were too sore to eat. Thoughts that while my arm is sore and less flexible, some have had arms, legs, organs, etc taken by cancer or their treatment. Thoughts that my complaints really pale in comparison are in themselves both encouraging, but also defeating. They made me feel self centered and bad for even complaining. But here’s the thing – everyone is on a different path. Even those of us with the same diagnosis and on the same therapies will experience them differently. Comparison is a toxin. And not the good chemotherapy kind either. I am trying to learn to be thankful for the blessings I have, but not ashamed to ask for help or to relate difficulty either. I am (trying) to read a book with some of the ladies in my church – Compared to Her by Sophie de Witt. She uses the visual that comparison always finds us either looking down on or looking up to others, never finding contentment where we are. Perhaps sharing my even seemingly slight setbacks may open the door for someone who hasn’t felt free before to discuss their difficulties and reach out for help as well. In that sense, I hope to look down only to help draw another up to me and that when I look up, I find a hand reaching out to pull me up when I am needing it.

Coming up . . .

There is so much more to share, but this is a good place to stop for now. I still have to introduce you to Hazel, or Harriet – still haven’t settled on a name yet. We had a quick trip to Glasgow that needs some mention as well as back to school catch up.

Regarding treatment, I have completed the first half of my infusions so the Epirubicin and Cyclophosphomide are done. Next Friday, I will begin weekly infusions for at least 9, hopefully 12 weeks of Paclitaxil and Carboplatin. Due to the changes in the veins of my left arm and similar changes starting in the right, I have requested a PICC line (a venous catheter that will be placed and left in so I won’t need an IV placed each time). That should happen next Friday as well so your thoughts and prayers for all to go well then are appreciated. I will have to ‘get used’ to a new set of side effects and see how they will effect me.

Well, it is good to be back. I suppose it is a bit like riding a bike (though I’ve never been the best at that). Elspeth fell off her bike yesterday afternoon and it shook her confidence a wee bit, but don’t you know that she asked me today if she could ride that bike to school? So I will get back on my bike as well and just start peddling –

And before I go (I am the worst at actually saying good bye/hanging up, but I promise this is the last thing) I wanted to share this new picture of my lovely family – I wanted new family pictures taken before Emma left to spend some time in the US and before I lost my hair – sort of a last one with everyone ‘as they are’. My good friend Louise did such an AMAZING job with the group of goofs that make up this family so I wanted you all to see the end result. I will likely share others from time to time, but this is my current favorite (I can almost not even smell the yellow in this photo hehe ).